2:45 AM

i haven't slept yet. :/ i'm so tired it's not even funny but if i go to sleep now i wont wake up when Ben gets up in about a half hour. so here i am trying to find something to keep me awake and that i have the energy to do.

as i type this my fingers and hands are the only things movie. now and then my arms but...there is VERY LITTLE movement going on right now. i'm so fricken TIRED!

oh well.

lately i've been trying to loose weight again. it's hard doing it all by yourself. i walk every day and try to eat better and less but it's hard to not eat every time i feed Josh and it's hard to get out and walk with as little sleep as i've got. ugh. but i'm doing it. i want to be thin again when Christmas comes around. (that's my goal anyway.)

so...

Ben knows i'm trying to loose weight. i told him i'm going to up my diet and i'm going to do it this time. so what does he do the next day. he buys brownies. he wants ME to make them and then just tells me "you don't have to eat them, they're for me anyway." so i asked him "why can't you make them then?" he says "because you're my wife and you cook. :]" he thought this was funny. i haven't made his damn brownies yet and i have no intention in doing so. if he wants the stuff he can make it.

lately this has been our constant fight. he goes to school all day and comes home and does NOTHING! and when i say that i really mean it, i'm not exaggerating this. he comes home and drops his shit in our bedroom door way. takes a shower. and then comes out to the living room/kitchen to bitch because dinner isn't done for him yet. he then eats, what he picked out, i cook it but i can't pick it! anyway. he eats and then goes to bed. seriously. he does nothing with Joshua and nothing around the apartment.

then on the weekends he doesn't help either. he sits on his computer. and if he's up before i am and Josh gets up the ass hole comes in and gets me to get Josh. ugh. i'm so sick of him not doing anything but it seems like nothing i say is doing anything to fix this. and it's not like i can just stop cleaning up or stop getting up to get Josh or just go to sleep when i want. i know most of this probably  has to do with the sleep deprivation that i'm having RIGHT now but really, i'm ready to kill this man.

but i love him anyway. i guess. :/

well it's now 2:53am. yup that didn't kill any time at all really. so i'm going to go lay down on the couch and try my best not to fall asleep. wish me luck. :]